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Jewish Life & Celebrations

Funeral

Guidance for a Secular Funeral

Rabbi Judith Seid
Rabbi Seid discusses the alternatives that exist for a religious Jewish funeral. Rabbi Seid is the author of We Rejoice in Our Heritage: Home Rituals for Secular and Humanistic Jews, and God-Optional Judaism: Alternatives for Cultural Jews who Love Their History, Heritage, and Community. Rabbi Seid is also the cultural leader at Tri-Valley Cultural Jews in Pleasanton, California. Visit Rabbi Seid at www.SecularJewishWeddings.com
Judith Seid, God-Optional Judaism, Citadel Press, 2001, pp 180-189..

If you’ve thought beforehand about the decisions you’ll want to make, and discussed them with the rest of your family members, you’ll be able to create a meaningful way to respond to the death, a way that will not leave you feeling alienated from your own emotions and from the Jewish community.

Most of us just call the local Jewish funeral home and let the funeral director arrange for a religious Jewish funeral. But you don’t have to do that.

What to do with the Body?

The Secular Humanistic Jewish movement allows cremation, and the Secular and Humanistic Jewish organizations that have their own memorial gardens allow cremated remains to be buried there. They are also open to people of all backgrounds and religions.

If you choose burial, you will have to abide by the laws of your jurisdiction regarding caskets and coffins. Most Jewish funeral homes require a rabbi to officiate at the funeral, although those in cities with Secular Humanistic clergy can be persuaded to allow them to officiate.

If you don’t want to follow the rules of the Jewish funeral home, you can use a nonsectarian mortuary. You will probably need to be very clear about your decision not to embalm. You will need to stand firm and say that it is against your religion. You may also have a hard time finding a kosher coffin, one that is made only of wood and has no metal screws or nails. You may decide to have a plain wood coffin, as is traditional, but allow metal in the construction.

The Funeral or Memorial

In earlier times, when Jewish families lived in the same town for generations, and in hot climates the funeral was held within twenty-four hours. Now, a non-Orthodox Jewish funeral is usually held at the soonest time that the family can gather. If you feel you need a few days to put together a funeral, take the time you need. At a memorial ceremony, there is no body; it has already been buried or cremated, so the ceremony can be held at a later time.

While it may not be possible to craft a single ceremony that will fill everybody’s needs, you can create several ceremonies. You may decide to have a funeral that reflects the beliefs of the deceased. Your graveside service might be one that the most traditionally religious members of the family need. You could also have a ceremony at home that evening or soon after, one that is Secular and Humanistic in nature. Or you can agree that everyone involved can say what he or she believes, without any expectation that anyone else will join in that belief. Secular Humanistic poetry, readings, and songs can be interspersed with religious prayers, as long as participation in group readings or amens is not assumed.

Who conducts a funeral or memorial service? This depends on the family preferences and the resources available. If there is an ordained Secular Humanistic Jewish leader in your city, he or she will be able to conduct the funeral or help you put one together on your own. Most leaders will not participate in religious prayers, though, so if members of your family need to hear or recite Kaddish, you may need to ask a religious friend to lead that prayer.

What happens at a funeral or memorial service? A good funeral helps the mourners understand the significance of the life of the deceased. It can be comforting or challenging, and should acknowledge the grief of the mourners as well as their gratitude for having known the deceased. A funeral can include poetry and other readings, responsive or group readings, music, and eulogies, both planned and spontaneous.

You can light a candle, or ask each person who speaks to light a candle. Younger children might help light a candle or bring up a flower to place in a vase. You may choose to give each person a flower to place in a vase. The symbolism can be implicit, or you can explain that each candle symbolizes a light in the heart of the mourner, and that the vase full of flowers shows the beauty that the deceased brought into the lives of others.

A group or responsive reading and a closing poem or ritual statement end the funeral or memorial service.

What happens at the cemetery?

Traditional Jewish burials often include the covering of the coffin with dirt, or even the filling of the whole grave. You can choose to carry out this tradition or not. If there are members of the family who want to say Kaddish, they may wish to stay behind after others have left the cemetery to recite the prayer then.

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